Bonda Magazine is a family resource publication for members of an organisation called 'Ibu' (meaning 'mother', in Bahasa Malay).
The June issue was a 'fathers' special and the editor got in touch with several house dads requesting some input. Unfortunately I am unable to attach the PDF scanned copy of the article for reasons of computer illiteracy on my part, however here is the copy that appeared. Attached are the photos that also appeared.
It was a very cathartic experience to write of my experiences as a Manmum over these last 16 months, and I'm sure I will enjoy reading it again in the years to come, when my circumstances have changed entirely.
I am one of a very small minority. We are known by many names – stay-at-home dads, house-dads. Manmums is one I have heard recently. They tell me that our numbers are growing amongst the expat community in KL, although I have not met enough that would suggest this. Nevertheless we are out there, and when I was asked to write a piece on being a dad in a mum’s world, it made me think of how, and why we are different.
One key difference between men and women is the way we develop social networks. Traditionally, men network via work, or through sport, and for better or for worse, an amber fluid is usually close to hand. A visit to the local Rugby club was therefore a priority upon my arrival in KL. Unfortunately a torn muscle 15 minutes into the game, and 6 weeks of limping, suggested to me that coming out of retirement was not wise and perhaps there were easier ways to make friends. But as they normally do in life, things have fallen into place. I have made friends even without work and sport, and for this my liver is truly thankful. However, I do wonder whether the guys would come out of the woodwork at Ibu if I started bringing a few Tigers for snack time!
Another major difference is coming to terms with the role having been raised in a very traditional household. My father worked and my mother fulfilled the stay-at-home role. The priority for my father was ensuring the family was well provided for. Quality time with the kids was inevitably difficult and that was just how things were. As all good fathers are to their sons, he was my role model. When my wonderful wife secured her dream job on the other side of the world, my intention was to work. This was the case in NZ, where we juggled daycare, 2 working parent roles, and general mayhem, in an attempt to get ahead. The stay-at-home ‘jaunt’ in Malaysia would last for a couple of months until I sorted out a ‘real job’. Upon our arrival, it soon became clear things would be very different. Job prospects in my profession as a physiotherapist weren’t great, and becoming a fulltime man-mum was becoming increasingly more likely. I was terrified. Even now, over 1 year later, I occasionally battle the inner demons telling me I should be ‘a real man’ and get ‘a real job’
I am in no doubt that despite society having come a long way, there remains some old fashioned views on gender roles at home. If you don’t believe me, ask my wife. She overhears it at every party. A common response when introducing myself (to the working male) as a stay-at-home-dad, goes something like….‘you lucky guy’ or ‘So what do you do during the day?’ or ‘I would love to convince my wife to do that….honey, why can’t I be a kept man for a while!’. Imagine saying these things to a stay-at-home-mum. Of course not. It doesn’t happen. Because the perception amongst many men, is that this is a legitimate job for a woman and a free loading holiday for a man. I agree that I am lucky. This is clear to me now. However, all stay-at-home mums would agree – it ain’t no holiday!!
It took me several months to truly appreciate my position, but now I am able to enjoy a unique opportunity that few fathers have. To see my son grow from baby to little boy. To see the changes every day before my eyes. To see a part of myself in him. The good, the bad, the frustrating, the struggle for independence, and the overpowering excitement that is his world. To see his beaming expression as we greet after kindy. These are priceless memories which I will always cherish.
So thank you Bonda for recognizing the stay-at-home dads in this issue. It may take us a while to come to grips with being part of the stay-at-home-parent community, but we will get there.
For those guys who wish to meet up, a gentleman far more organised then myself has started a manmum group. Contact Michael@manmum.com for more details.
One key difference between men and women is the way we develop social networks. Traditionally, men network via work, or through sport, and for better or for worse, an amber fluid is usually close to hand. A visit to the local Rugby club was therefore a priority upon my arrival in KL. Unfortunately a torn muscle 15 minutes into the game, and 6 weeks of limping, suggested to me that coming out of retirement was not wise and perhaps there were easier ways to make friends. But as they normally do in life, things have fallen into place. I have made friends even without work and sport, and for this my liver is truly thankful. However, I do wonder whether the guys would come out of the woodwork at Ibu if I started bringing a few Tigers for snack time!
Another major difference is coming to terms with the role having been raised in a very traditional household. My father worked and my mother fulfilled the stay-at-home role. The priority for my father was ensuring the family was well provided for. Quality time with the kids was inevitably difficult and that was just how things were. As all good fathers are to their sons, he was my role model. When my wonderful wife secured her dream job on the other side of the world, my intention was to work. This was the case in NZ, where we juggled daycare, 2 working parent roles, and general mayhem, in an attempt to get ahead. The stay-at-home ‘jaunt’ in Malaysia would last for a couple of months until I sorted out a ‘real job’. Upon our arrival, it soon became clear things would be very different. Job prospects in my profession as a physiotherapist weren’t great, and becoming a fulltime man-mum was becoming increasingly more likely. I was terrified. Even now, over 1 year later, I occasionally battle the inner demons telling me I should be ‘a real man’ and get ‘a real job’
I am in no doubt that despite society having come a long way, there remains some old fashioned views on gender roles at home. If you don’t believe me, ask my wife. She overhears it at every party. A common response when introducing myself (to the working male) as a stay-at-home-dad, goes something like….‘you lucky guy’ or ‘So what do you do during the day?’ or ‘I would love to convince my wife to do that….honey, why can’t I be a kept man for a while!’. Imagine saying these things to a stay-at-home-mum. Of course not. It doesn’t happen. Because the perception amongst many men, is that this is a legitimate job for a woman and a free loading holiday for a man. I agree that I am lucky. This is clear to me now. However, all stay-at-home mums would agree – it ain’t no holiday!!
It took me several months to truly appreciate my position, but now I am able to enjoy a unique opportunity that few fathers have. To see my son grow from baby to little boy. To see the changes every day before my eyes. To see a part of myself in him. The good, the bad, the frustrating, the struggle for independence, and the overpowering excitement that is his world. To see his beaming expression as we greet after kindy. These are priceless memories which I will always cherish.
So thank you Bonda for recognizing the stay-at-home dads in this issue. It may take us a while to come to grips with being part of the stay-at-home-parent community, but we will get there.
For those guys who wish to meet up, a gentleman far more organised then myself has started a manmum group. Contact Michael@manmum.com for more details.
Send me the pdf by e-mail and i can send it back to you on Monday as a jpeg file....so you can upload it.
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